Parent Trap

The local newspaper has been filling column inches with information about the tragic happenings in Montreal. Journalists are speculating as to why a young man would try to kill so many young people in a seemingly random and senseless act. The news reports are making a big deal with his association to a "Goth" lifestyle.

I have often seen many youths who call themselves "Goth" face ridicule because of the clothes they wear, the music they listen to, or how they present themselves. I think that's unfair. While it's true their clothing tends to be dark, at least their pants are pulled up and you can't see their underwear. As far as music interests go, speaking as an avid fan of Neil Diamond and John Denver, I can not criticize anyone's choice in music; even though Goth music does not appeal to me in the slightest. Really though, can anyone who used to buy and listen to NKOTB is in no position to point and snigger.

Which brings me to my first point. Goth is largely just a group of people that shop at the same stores. In my highschool days you could easily point out the preppies, skids, skaters, stoners and band geeks to name a few. In case you are wondering, I was a Band Geek (intentionally capitalized). It has been my experience in my years working with teens that Goths are basically harmless.

They are for the most part young people who don't feel like they belong to any other group and like most people they want to have friends and belong. By and large, gothic style provides an outlet for these folks to express themselves without fear because everybody does their own thing within a larger group. Some hide behind false personas but I have found many to be creative and at the same time very introverted.

So from an armchair point of view, it's unfair to blame a gothic existence for violence. So where does it all come from? Violence, particularly with teens has been on the rise for the last 10-15 years, and it has risen sharply in the past few. Why? Is the problem societal? Parental? I believe there are many factors involved that by themselves are harmless but taken together produce lasting harm.

Parenting for me is the big one. There is a large lack of responsible parenting. Kids need to be taught that yes, you are going to fall on your face and it will often hurt quite a bit. You still need to stand up and say "Oops, ouch, my fault, won't happen again." Too many people are quick to blame others for their problems.

"McDonald's made me fat" but apparently it had nothing to do with you cramming Big Macs down your throat without even chewing. "I spilled coffee on my lap and burned myself. Tim Horton's should have told me it was hot." Really? You didn't know?

Working downtown it would shock and amaze you at how many teens, and young teens at that are wondering the streets at all hours. Even four in the morning. Where are the parents?

As to video games. Yes they are often graphic and violent. They are continually getting more graphic and more violent, why? I'll tell you, because people keep buying them. If the demand exists, someone will supply it. Where are the parents to say "no"?

I am the product of a single parent home and my mom had to work every day to pay bills and keep food on the table. I did get to spend time with Dad but it wasn't as often as either of us would have liked. With this single parent upbringing, I turned out OK (so far as I think!) Where's the difference?

I was taught right from wrong and when I was wrong I had to own up to it. As well I had friends whose parents treated me no different from their own children; they had no problems hugging me or scolding me depending on what I had been doing. The parents in my townhouse complex, same thing. I did something wrong and they would let me hear about it, THEN they'd tell mom so I'd get it again. Granted that was all 20 years ago now. Have times changed that much, and why?

I don't think it's the times, I think it's the parents. Prime example. My two brothers-in-law, Gary (19) and Ian (17). I've known them now for almost three years and each time they are in a crowd of kids their own age they stand out. Want to know why? They are both VERY tall. Also, they are both kind, considerate, helpful, polite and just good old fashioned nice guys. I have no doubt it's the parenting; with a small side order of genetics.

I say all this knowing that I currently have no children. However, based on my experience, parents who take an active part in kids lives turn out better kids. Making an effort to go to football games, sitting in the audience listening to high school bands, discussing the ups and downs of the day. I firmly believe it makes all the difference in the world. I'm sure it isn't easy, but what that is worthwhile is?

I don't think I have ever thanked my mom enough for doing all that she has done for me, and does for me still. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be as wonderful as I am (no comments please!).

So to tie this all together; is parenting the cause or solution to all of the worlds problems? No. However as a general rule, good parents make good kids, who become good parents etc etc etc. There are exceptions to that, but they are few and far between.

Be well all.